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It’s Purim 5770 today in Beersheva as it is in most all of Israel and the Diaspora.
“Our Father who art in Heaven, Rock of Israel and its Redeemer – Bless the City of Beersheva, the beginning of the flowering of our roasted seed-&-nut stands. Protect her with the wing of your loving-kindness, and especially protect the way-cool video sign over there at the intersection of Rager and Tuviahu streets.”
“Send your light and truth to the mayor and the deputy mayor, and the deputy mayor, and the deputy mayor, and the female deputy mayor – yes, to all four of these terribly vital deputy mayors, together with their office workers – and the nephews of their office workers, and the friends of the nephews of their office workers, and the friends of the friends of the nephews of their office workers, and the sister of the veterinarian of the dog of the friend of the friend of the nephew of one of their office workers – and set them up with a high-profile position and a good salary according to Your will.”
“Strengthen the hands of the defenders of our holy city, i.e. the Southern Region Police Force. Crown them with a crown ofvictory for the Beersheva soccer team, in reward for faithfully watching the team for many hours in the television room of the police station, and bless them with comfortable couches in that same television room, and bless them with a good living made off of the cameras which catch drivers who in actuality are going ten kilometers per hour less than the typical police car. And grant free parking throughout the city, and thusly peace to her inhabitants.”
“And our brothers, the whole House of Israel, watch over them throughout the lands of their dispersion, and speedily lead them upright to Zion your city, and to Jerusalem, the tabernacle of your renown – but if they don’t have the money for an apartment there, at least lead them upright to Beersheva your city, and lead them on her sidewalks with caution. And also lead them with clear maps, lest they fulfill what is written in the Torah of Moses your servant “And she went and got lost in the wilderness of Be’er Sheva”. (Genesis 21: 14)”
“May all the inhabitants of Beersheva merit Ruach HaKodesh (the Holy Spirit) that they might fathom the mysteries of her street system. For example, why is it that at almost every traffic light, the street name changes, but when your turn right at the Stadium from HaMeshachrerim Street, you end up on HaMeshachrcrim Street- what’s up with that?”
“Appear in the majesty of the pride of your strength to all those who are standing in line at the local post office that they shouldn’t faint, and that no broken fingernail afflict the only clerk who is, so-to-speak, ‘working’.”
“And let us all say, Amen.”